Entries Tagged 'humor' ↓

Found this gem on the E train, going from Chelsea to Queens.

What was difficult was snapping it on my cameraphone without making the gentleman sitting next to it nervous.

Sign alterers took the “If you see something, say something,” slogan and altered it with two neat cut-out replacements:

If you see something,
Run like hell.
Bush does.

It never ceases to astound me how much our President (and sometimes his counterparts from other nations) are really just a bunch of college freshmen, trying to find someone to buy them some beer.

Here, courtesy of Tuesday’s Scotsman, a lovely transcript of his chat yesterday with Tony Blair, which was unknowingly and unwittingly broadcast over a G8 microphone:

The transcript

Bush: Yo, Blair. How are you doing?

Blair: I’m just…

Bush: You’re leaving?

Blair: No, no, no, not yet. On this trade thingy… (inaudible)

Bush: Yeah, I told that to the man.

Blair: Are you planning to say that here or not?

Bush: If you want me to.

Blair: Well, it’s just that if the discussion arises…

Bush: I just want some movement.

Blair: Yeah.

Bush: Yesterday we didn’t see much movement.

Blair: No, no, it may be that it’s not, it may be that it’s impossible.

Bush: I am prepared to say it.

Blair: But it’s just I think that we need to be an opposition…

Bush: Who is introducing the trade?

Blair: Angela Merkel, the German chancellor.

Bush: Tell her to call ’em.

Blair: Yes.

Bush: Tell her to put him on, them on the spot. Thanks for [inaudible] it’s awfully thoughtful of you.

Blair: It’s a pleasure.

Bush: I know you picked it out yourself.

Blair: Oh, absolutely, in fact [inaudible].

Bush: What about Kofi? [inaudible] His attitude to ceasefire and everything else … happens.

Blair: Yeah, no I think the [inaudible] is really difficult. We can’t stop this unless you get this international business agreed.

Bush: Yeah.

Blair: I don’t know what you guys have talked about, but as I say I am perfectly happy to try and see what the lie of the land is, but you need that done quickly because otherwise it will spiral.

Bush: I think Condi is going to go pretty soon.

Blair: But that’s, that’s, that’s all that matters. But if you… you see it will take some time to get that together.

Bush: Yeah, yeah.

Blair: But at least it gives people…

Bush: It’s a process, I agree. I told her your offer to…

Blair: Well…it’s only if I mean… you know. If she’s got a…, or if she needs the ground prepared as it were… Because obviously if she goes out, she’s got to succeed, if it were, whereas I can go out and just talk.

Bush: You see, the … thing is what they need to do is to get Syria, to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s*** and it’s over.

Blair: [inaudible]

Bush: [inaudible]

Blair: Syria.

Bush: Why?

Blair: Because I think this is all part of the same thing.

Bush: Yeah.

Blair: What does he think? He thinks if Lebanon turns out fine, if we get a solution in Israel and Palestine, Iraq goes in the right way…

Bush: Yeah, yeah, he is sweet.

Blair: He is honey. And that’s what the whole thing is about. It’s the same with Iraq.

Bush: I felt like telling Kofi to call, to get on the phone to Assad and make something happen.

Blair: Yeah.

Bush: [inaudible]

Blair: [inaudible]

Bush: We are not blaming the Lebanese government.

Blair: Is this…? (At this point Blair taps the microphone in front of him and the sound is cut.)

———————————————————————–

I like the fact that George complimented Tony on his choice of gift, which is in fact a sweater that Tony picked out himself. (Or maybe the inaudible part is Tony admitting to having knit it himself.)

Between you and me, I think that some folks out there are intentionally catching these sorts of things in an attempt to discredit our nation’s leader. But then again, there mustn’t be many of them. After all, he has got to be saying a lot more stupid stuff that we aren’t hearing.

Yo! Way more, dude.

Hello there! I have come out of the cave in which I am working (dissertation, job, unpacking boxes, you know) in order to bring you a special bulletin.

Cyrille de Lasteyrie (aka Vinvin) is a genius, and I am not in the habit of using such terms loosely. His Bonjour America is the best thing I have ever seen (for free, on the web). I discovered him while trying to catch up with Bicyclemark’s recent blog postings. (It’s a truism that most of my good internet finds come from Bicyclemark.) He’s a Frenchman who has something to say to America. And he is a very funny man. What’s refreshing is that while Vinvin is critical of American culture and foreign policy, his commentary is (from what I have seen) always funny and never facile. He obviously loves us, dislikes Bush, and wants to teach us about cheese.

Go and watch “The Frencheese Project.” As Vinvin says,

You’ll be scared, and then you’ll learn a few things about cheese. Is the french cheese good for the health? This is the big question of this episode!

Or watch “What do we think about America? A big poll,” and find out what the French think about Dick Chenay. (Yes, Dick Chenay.)

Or just enjoy a nice impersonation of Charlie Sheen with a French accent.

What could be better? Well, there is a whole archive worth of vlogs from Bonjour America. So have fun answering that question yourself. And do answer it, please. If I keep posting at the heady rate of once every 5 weeks, I do expect you to try and keep up. In return, I will endeavor always to include a picture, Dear Reader, for your enjoyment.

The Sicilian has a unique approach to the world, as you may remember from our conversation about Zombies.

Last night he saw a commercial for a new reality show following “People who work out in gyms!” No, I am not kidding. Granted, it was on some channel no one watches (FitTV or somesuch.)

And he said, “Why don’t they come out with an interesting reality show.”
And I said, “Like what?”
And he said, “You know, something new, something really good. Like Cannibals!”
And I laughed.
And he said, “Or lepers!”

Seven cannibals, picked to live in a house, and have their lives taped. You know, it does sound interesting. Come on, cable TV producers. You know you want to pluck this man out of his mild-mannered librarian job and put him to work, don’t you?

The Animal Personality Test says:

Your Animal Personality

Your Power Animal: DeerAnimal You Were in a Past Life: Panda You are a fun-seeker – an adventurous, risk-taker. While you are spontaneous, you are not very rational.

The thing is, I got this from Tabitha, who remarked on the peculiarity of the description of herself, contrasted with the image of a squid.

Now I am wondering (a) why I have exactly the same results as the only other person I’ve seen who has taken the test, and (b) what’s up with that squid, and (c) do they only have one set of possible results, and (d) damnit– now that I think of it, if this isn’t a “rational” response, I don’t know what is.

I love New York. Because only in New York would one young, macho, early-20′s American male walk out of a store, turn to his friend (of similar demographic) and say,

“I’m just going to grab some hot nuts.”
“Hot nuts?” his friend said, and he was not horrified, just intrigued.

Of course, by then he could smell them.

I think I spent too much time teaching ultra-homophobic Catholic republican teenaged boys in the midwest. I love New York.

Golden Bowl Fortune Cookies, as provided by my local purveyor of Chicken and Broccoli, are now becoming a large source of entertainment here in Long Island City. You know, my last “message” from them was quite bossy. And a little creepy, but in a fun way. However, they’ve followed up nicely with the latest directions:

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.

What’s funny is that I read those words just after watching a clip of Wolf Blitzer asking Pat Robertson if the latest natural disasters (Katrina, Pakistan Earthquake, etc.) were a sign that the end of days (i.e. Armaggedon) was near. (As the Daily Show said much more eloquently than I will, nice piece of investigative journalism, Wolf.)

I note that the people at Golden Bowl apparently have, if not a handle on the future, a sparkling way with words. Their motto?

Fortune knocks but once . . .
but Golden Bowl Brand Fortune Cookies knocks three times.

I am not sure what it means, but it makes me think.

The same company that makes these cookies, Wonton Foods, was in the news last May when 110 people won Powerball lotteries across the country after playing numbers in their fortune cookie fortunes. According to this article from Reuters, 4-5 winners is typical, so when there were 110, investigators looked around and found out they’d all got their numbers from a fortune. Apparently some folks are really compelled to obey the fortune cookie. And what’s more, they were right.

No, not the finger paintings your mum taped to the fridge when you were small.

But this, politically-engaged, timely, colorful art, is popping up around New Orleans, where there is apparently a glut of flood-damaged refrigerators being tossed to the curb. Folks are decorating them. I liked the message on this one, courtesy of missbhavens.

I got the strangest fortune cookie today, the likes of which I’ve never seen. In a tone I associated with a sci-fi robot leader giving orders to hypnotized humans, it said:

Only listen to the fortune cookie;
disregard all other fortune telling units.

Fortune telling units?

You’ll note the sophisticated sentence structure, with correct use of semi-colon. What is going on? Who wrote this fortune cookie message? And will the uber-robot be coming back in another form to give us further instructions???

It is hard to believe this is real, but it appears that Reuters really caught Bush in a silly moment.

You would not even know it was Bush, except Reuters captioned the photo as follows:

Reuters – Wed Sep 14, 4:39 PM ET
U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005. World leaders are exploring ways to revitalize the United Nations at a summit on Wednesday but their blueprint falls short of Secretary-General Kofi Annan’s vision of freedom from want, persecution and war. REUTERS/Rick Wilking

For some reason, yahoo photos provides only the photo above. But the following story gives a fuller picture, in an article confirming Reuters claims no malicious intent:

A lovely tidbit from the above article: The Irish Examiner headline? “To Pee or Not to Pee, That is the Question.”

Now, for some childhood regression…

Lightbulb jokes do not usually do it for me, and you probably heard this one anyway, but Friend Carol sent this to me.

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light
bulb?

The answer is 10.

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to
be changed.

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either: “For changing
the light bulb or for darkness.”

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new
light bulb.

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a
stepladder under the banner “Light Bulb Change Accomplished.”

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in
detail how Bush was literally “in the dark.”

8. One to viciously smear #7.

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along.

10. And, finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Editor’s note: shouldn’t we add a third option: “the difference between screwing a lightbulb, screwing an intern, and screwing the country”? Verbalchameleon.

Well, if you enjoyed Sorry Everybody, then you’ll love the sequel, Apology Accepted. Now that that’s out of the way, what do we do now? Can we skip the global-equivalent-of-makeup-sex and do something?

We need a website called whatthef***dowedonow.com? (Don’t click, it’s just an idea.)

Not that I don’t like thinking about the global-equivalent-of-makeup-sex.

After taking a bite from her sandwich, she realized that a woman’s face was staring back at her. The grilled cheese sandwich sat on the woman’s nightstand… and after she’d saved it for 10 years “She said the sandwich has never sprouted a spore of mold.” Clearly, something supernatural is going on. The woman believes it is the image of the Virgin Mary. Yes–but did she appear so that the woman would be able to extract $28K from an online c*sino? “In a statement, GoldenP*lace.com CEO Richard Rowe said he planned to use the sandwich to raise money for charity.” Umm, Richard, you could have just given $28K to charity. It would make a nice little endowment. What is he going to do now, to make the sandwich worth more than $28K? So, we’ve got capitalizing on a Marian apparition, by selling it to a gam*ling enterprise, so they can offer charity… There’s so much weirdness in this sequence of events, I don’t even know where to begin… CNN.com – ‘Virgin Mary’ sandwich sells on eBay for $28,000 – Nov 23, 2004 Update: loyal readers will have seen my comments about nasty bots that post comments with g*mbling-related names and URLs. It’s the reason that, for now, I have an email field in my comments form. Well, I have probably had 15 of these comments to various postings since I began blogging a month ago. But since I posted this message, I’ve had 27 more, in about a day. So… I have gone into this message and added asterixes to all references to g*mbling. Maybe I am being paranoid, but writing about their favorite topic seems to have brought on the bots. (It isn’t so bad, you know. What if the spam came from the Virgin Mary? Now that would be freaky…)

Imaginary shares in my blog are worth $1000. Pretty good for someone with one reader. And I thought people selling imaginary gold and imaginary piles of poo for real money was weird… Okay, I guess that’s still weirder by far. BlogShares – verbalchameleon.com

Craigslist is great. Craigslist helps people hook up, you know, sell that old washing machine, find a new apartment, and oh–someone of polar opposite views to one’s own for mini-flight-club. Straight male seeks Bush supporter for fair, physical fight – m4m

Ohhhh, an even more engrossing cat link. Try “Bi-lingual,” “Fetch #2″ or “Stealth.” my cat annie – zefrank.com

Hmmm… Dealing with difficult people? Do they send you hostile emails? Try Ze Frank’s (brief) communications tutorial.

Finally, someone understands what kitties really think. They are not the obsequious, toe-licking, please-love-me-I’ll-do-anything-really-anything creatures that dogs are (God love ‘em). No, cat’s are pissy, critical, demanding.

If they were human, who’d date them?

I was always a dog person. I used to have lukewarm feelings about the cats of friends and family–I never loved them. Until one day, Kooky strolled up to me and my dog, looking hungry, but clean, and friendly–looking like, “Where have you guys been?” That was my cat. And so I took him home.

My Kooky gets everything he wants, and at the end of a really rough day, when I am totally exhausted and won’t do anything for anyone, he gets me to rub his head or under the chin just so–and purrs like an old motorcar, and I am jelly. I am a slave to my cat’s love. Why? What is the nature of cat magic, that makes us dote on them even though they don’t _really_ do anything for us but purr? He’s like my pimp: I work, I do anything he wants, I give him all my money and love. He purrs.

(Do you know, by the way, that cats in the wild don’t purr? They learned this behavior when they lived with humans.) I digressed. Check out this site and see cats displaying their true selves. MyCatHatesYou dot com

See Irwin? This is the kind of geopolitical restructuring I was saying we should have right about now… why move to Canada when the mountain will come to Mohammad? Not A Dollarshort: Canada 2.0